Q. I am my husband’s second wife and we have been happily married for 40 years. My issue is that whenever my husband thinks of a place or a person from the past, he will start by saying: “When we were in Santa Fe, New Mexico…..” So, I ask the obvious question: Who is we? His response is: my ex-wife. For 40 years I have told him that he shouldn’t use the pronoun “we” as he and she are not a “we” anymore. It hurts my feelings. He insists that “we” means “me and someone else” and I’m taking the comment too personally. To me he is being insensitive to talk about people and places he knew/visited with his ex-wife. He insists that I don’t understand the meaning/usage of the word “we” because I am not a native English speaker. If I were in his shoes, using the same example above, I would say: “When I visited Santa Fe, New Mexico…” He says that’s wrong because he wasn’t there by himself. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. The topic of your email prompted a huge discussion in a woman’s group I oversee. The age demographic is mixed — from 32 to 70 — but I have to tell you, each woman who spoke up agreed with you. They also felt your husband was being insensitive. The fact that he diminished your concern by stating that you were being too sensitive sent a few into a spiral on gaslighting. The key to ensuring a long-lasting equitable relationship is sensitivity to one another’s needs. Granted, when your husband speaks of his ex, it was a long time ago, but I suspect that doesn’t really matter to you. If you see it as insensitive, and you express it to him as such, it’s not up to him to decide if it is or it is not an appropriate comment. It’s up to him to look for ways to understand why you feel as you do and then together brainstorm for other ways to explain something that neither of you find hurtful or offensive. That is good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or [email protected].
