My Sister Has Always Been a Self-Centered Show-Off. Her Latest Delusions Involve Her Kids.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister sucks up all the air in the room with her presence. She has to be the center of attention and will do anything to get it. As a child she would literally stand in the center of the room singing and dancing if anyone dared to pay attention to my accomplishments. At my college graduation, she announced her pregnancy because everyone was ‘already there’. She has done nothing of note other than having multiple children with multiple men that don’t stick around. As a result, our parents are raising them and their lives revolve around their grandchildren. Any conversation I have with my parents is ninety percent about the kids and ten percent interest in my life. I get ‘that must be nice’ no matter if I am complaining about work or talking about a good book I read. When I visit, I can’t even take my parents out to dinner without the child chaos spilling over everywhere. My sister is unable to parent her own children for a few measly hours and will call my mother crying about half way through the meal. She then turns around and brags about what a wonderful mother she is and how that makes her opinion more important than anyone else’s (because having given birth makes you an expert on climate change). I visited over the holidays and did my duty to spoil the kids and keep the peace. When I arrived back at my place, I found out I was selected for a major industry honor and will be included in an international conference. This is huge for me. I called my mother in excitement and she did ‘that is nice’ and launched into talking about my nephew’s sports game. I stopped her and explained how amazing and awesome this was for me. It is a professional accomplishment I didn’t think I would make at my age. I really wanted her and my dad there when it happened. I would pay to fly them out. It would just be four days. Her immediate reply was they wouldn’t be able to make it because of the kids. My sister is unemployed and has been for years. It isn’t like the kids would be left alone. I asked if they really couldn’t do this one thing for me. My mom got irritated and told me to not be selfish. I apologized and made an excuse to hang up. Is there any point to trying anymore? It feels like it is impossible for me to do anything important enough to make my parents proud of me. I have long given up having any kind of meaningful relationship with my sister. —Almost An Orphan Dear Near Orphan, Yes. There is a point in trying. Giving up on your parents because their lives are currently intertwined with your sister’s life is short sighted. Your parents are parenting right now for a second go around—and parenting is difficult. And it’s even more difficult for older parents, or grandparents. But kids grow up! In the blink of an eye, those kids will require less and less effort, and then they’ll be off on their own and your parents will have a bunch more time on their hands. Right now, your parents sound overwhelmed. Cut them some slack—and then some more slack—if they need it. As any parent will tell you, maintaining adult relationships when you have children is a ton of work. This can even include maintaining relationships with siblings and, in your parents case, you. I don’t want to stroke your ego (it seems well stroked already), but in their minds you may already be the “successful one” that doesn’t need worrying about. This lets them focus on their child that really does need help. The kids will grow up and your parents will come back around as long as you don’t sink your relationship with them like you have with your sister. In the meantime, see if you can participate in the family dynamic as it is: Try being more than the spoiling aunt. Try being a helpful aunt. What if you organize a kid-friendly activity that you all can do together when you visit? Or pay for a babysitter yourself so your parents, you and your sister can all go out to dinner together? This might make you closer with your parents in the long run. So that’s my parenting advice for this situation. But I also think this is a simple adulting problem, too. And on the adulting note: wow! You really don’t like your sister and think you are way better than her! It might be worth talking to a therapist to unpack these feelings of animosity and superiority that you have towards her. You may not realize it, but from this writer’s perspective (and probably your parents and sister), you come off as dismissive of the effort your parents are putting in. If you are a full grown adult and still need your parents to tell you that they’re proud of you, some outside confidence boosters might be in order. Tell some friends about this industry honor. Invite a colleague to the international conference. They’ll be more interested in the subject and understand its importance better anyway. Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life? Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.) Dear Care and Feeding, A couple of weeks ago, my oldest daughter (10 years old) found a cat that had been abandoned in a carrier in the neighborhood park. We took the cat home to stay on our screened-in porch for the night and brought her to the vet the next day to get a check-up. It turned out that she had fleas, so we treated her and kept her on the porch until the fleas died. By that time, my two older children were pretty attached to her, so we decided to keep her. It turns out, my youngest daughter, June, (6 years old), is terrified of the cat. This came as a complete surprise. We had a cat who died two years ago, who June adored. We also have friends who have cats, and while she’s never been very interested in them, she’s never expressed any fear of them either. I was hoping she would adjust to having a cat in the house, but we’re a week in with no improvement. She needs to know where the cat is at all times. She wants me to carry her around so the cat won’t ‘get her.’ Even when we’re out, she tells me she’s worried about going home to the kitty. I want to find the cat a new home. She’s a sweetheart and will make a great pet for someone else, and it seems like a good idea to rehome her sooner rather than later. But my two older kids love the cat. They’ll be heartbroken, and resentful of their sister, if we give her away. My husband still thinks June will eventually get used to the cat, so I’m the one who will be the bad guy if we have to find another place for her. Is there any way to make this work or does the kitty just need to go? —Kid vs. Cat Dear Kid vs Cat, It sounds like this has been a great project in which your family has learned that you might want a cat again. It’s entirely possible that June will not be scared of a different cat, but finds this one off-putting for some reason that she’s having trouble explaining. Split the difference: rehome this cat, and have June be part of a joint process with your older kids for choosing a new rescue cat. Ideally you’d rehome the current cat with someone you know so that your kids can visit. This business about “being the bad guy” needs to be done away with. Whatever you and your husband decide should be presented as a united front together by the two of you. Kids will try to divide you on their own for sport; there’s no need to give them help. Try to have your older children be part of presenting the new plan to June so that they feel like they’re helping solve the problem, rather than blaming June for getting rid of their new friend. On a personal note, my partner and I were hunted and attacked by our own cats after having them for 10 years. Blood was drawn. Vets and pet psychologists were invoked. It did not end well. Cats are fun pets, but also wild animals living in your home. Maybe June knows something you don’t! Catch Up on Care and Feeding · Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Dear Care and Feeding, My son is 3 and will be starting preschool soon. He does not go to daycare. We have done a few activities like dance etc., but none recently. We were on vacation and missed the open house and the school hasn’t responded to our email about finding another time to visit the school. He did visit once but it was in the spring. I would like to help prepare him for what to expect. I have spoken about starting school several times and will continue to. We also took some books out at the library but none were really helpful. I am planning on watching the Daniel Tiger episode where he starts school. Any other ideas, ideally books or other media? —Expectations Dear Expectations, My kids are older now, so maybe I’m too far removed from three-year-olds, but my first reaction is that you’re overthinking and over-preparing for what will probably be two days of semi-confusion, and then a new normal. Kids are highly adaptable to all sorts of novel situations and the teachers at a preschool should be accustomed to having kids come in that are not used to any kind of group environment. Don’t sweat this too much. Maybe it’s you that is not prepared. I certainly wasn’t when we sent our first kid to preschool at age four. I was a mess. But let’s assume that I am indeed too far removed from toddler age and you are doing what everyone does in trying to get your son ready for this big change in a good, responsible way. You’ve already done something great by having him visit the school in the spring. He should remember the place (be it consciously or subconsciously) and that will make the day much easier. Schools are big and new and scary at first, no doubt about it. As far as prep, Daniel Tiger is always a winner. Has your son been to a read-aloud at the library? These are a great opportunity to practice sitting quietly with a group of other kids listening to an adult. While media is a poor substitute for the real thing, here’s a classic Mr Rogers Goes to School where he talks to a Kindergarten teacher. And here’s a Maisy Goes to Preschool book (our kids liked other Maisy books) which you can also find read-aloud on YouTube. You mentioned that the books you got from the library weren’t really helpful, but I’m not entirely clear on how you’re gauging what’s helpful and what isn’t. There’s no way that he—or you—will feel fully prepared for preschool in advance, so let go of that possibility and just enjoy having extra time together before you send him off. —Greg