Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for four, and have two kids (3F, 2M). I just returned to work as a teacher this fall after staying home since our daughter was born. We are both very neat, clean, organized people, and the house is definitely more messy now with me back to work. To be clear, I mean we’re not vacuuming and mopping daily anymore like I usually could when I stayed home, not that there’s actual filth anywhere. The majority of people would still consider our home extremely clean and neat. I know it bothers my husband more than me, but I don’t have the time or energy and he either doesn’t have or doesn’t use his time to clean more, so it’s not happening as often. Two weeks ago, in the middle of a stupid fight over something that had broken (and how closely/carefully I was supervising our kids when it broke), my husband said that his life would be much easier, simpler, and maybe even happier without me and our kids in it. I was so surprised and hurt that I just turned, walked away, and went into our room and cried. He came in a few minutes later and said he hadn’t meant it to come out so harshly, he’s just really stressed out by the extra clutter and how much less time it seems like we all have with me back at work. Since then, he’s put in more effort around the house, but I can’t forget that comment. It seems like such an extreme reaction. A few days ago, I told him how much it was still hurting me. He said he hadn’t actually meant it, he just gets emotional in the heat of the moment and that’s how it comes out. I told him that didn’t really make it better for me because it meant he said it just to hurt me and that there’s things you say that can’t be taken back, no matter how hard you try. He’s now mad at me and saying there’s nothing he could possibly do to make up for his “dumb comment.” I honestly don’t know what will make me forget it. No matter how angry or stressed I was, I would never think to tell him I’d be better off without him and/or the kids. Help? —Does He Even Want to Be Here? Dear Does He Even Want to Be Here, It sounds to me like your husband is used to living with a certain level of cleanliness and control, and has attached the idea of his well being to maintaining that same level of order in a home with two working parents and two children under 5. Without paying a housekeeper or hiring a regular cleaning service, your husband wants a fantasy. He most likely wouldn’t be happier without you and your children, this too is a fantasy, and one that I assume crosses many parents’ minds from time to time. Where he screwed up, was saying those words out loud, a sentiment that you won’t forget. To him it may feel like a momentary mistake, something to be dismissed because it was out of character, but for you, I’m sure it was bone-chilling. Now work needs to be done to repair that damage to your trust in and perception of your husband. If the state of the home is overwhelming to him, then he needs to be the one to focus on what options could provide the relief he’s seeking. You can tell him that you’ve made your peace with the state of your home for now, but that you two have options if he isn’t. But make it clear that it’s on him to research said choices. He also needs to start doing whatever he can to soothe your heart, and show you that those words should have been kept as a passing thought because they do not reflect his actual feelings. Just saying sorry, and getting angry that his apology isn’t enough, won’t help his cause. This isn’t the kind of thing you quickly fix with words. It’s the kind of issue you heal with actions and care—and those things take time. How to Get Advice Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding! Dear Prudence, What do I do about my best friend? We worked together, were at each other’s houses all the time, and went out together. I ended up drinking at night to combat crippling anxiety. She helped me through all of it. I went to rehab and wrote her but when I came home, she just stopped all contact. I helped her through her divorce, then my husband filed a divorce from me. I reached out to her and heard nothing. Should I just give up? —Unreachable Dear Unreachable, Instead of framing it as giving up, why not think of it as waiting? You and your best friend went through some tough times together, and as you say, she was there for you through all of it. There’s a chance she’s taking time to do that for herself, doesn’t mean that you aren’t friends now or that you won’t be friends later. It just means you might have to wait for that reconnection to happen. Give her some room. Reach out again in a month. Then three months. Then six. After a year, wait for her to call you. In the meantime, does your rehab program have any support groups they can connect you to where you can talk to others about the process of rekindling previous connections? Lean on other friends and family where you can. And don’t imagine your old friend angry with you or tired of you. Imagine her healing on her own time, wishing you the best from afar, for now. Dear Prudence, For my second marriage, 10 years ago, I (62 M) married a single mom (56 F) with a daughter I’ll call “Emily,” who is currently 22. My wife is a major overachiever with high expectations of herself. She has a law degree, a master’s in HR, and she’s currently pursuing a nursing degree. Our daughter is completely the opposite. She has repeatedly declared that “she wants to be mediocre, and what’s wrong with that?” Putting actions behind her words, she dropped out of college after the first semester and she is working in retail as a cashier. In January of this year, she moved out of our home and eventually with a new boyfriend she recently acquired. At least he seems to treat her right. However, this situation, as you can imagine, has caused my wife much grief but she avoids it by keeping busy with her studies. While Emily’s and my wife relationship is loving, Emily refuses to visit or call her mother with any regularity. My wife resorts then to calling her but I can see the pain in her eyes when those brief calls are over because of all the excuses Emily makes for her absence. I would like to do something and say something to Emily but I don’t know how or what to say. My relationship with Emily has always been friendly and fun so I wouldn’t have a problem with talking to her but I’m at a loss. Help, please! —Clueless Stepdad in the Middle Dear Clueless Stepdad in the Middle, Everyone is different, even mothers and daughters. Could it be that your wife and Emily have found joy and meaning in their individual life choices, and neither of them wants to be made to feel bad about that? In this instance, it sounds like Emily is facing most of the judgment. It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for you or your wife to financially support her, or for much of anything, and yet, her choice to eschew a life of “high achievement” causes your wife grief. Does your wife worry that her daughter’s current choices will affect her negatively for the rest of her life, or does she not understand how her daughter could be happy without wanting or having the same kind of successes as her mother? In any event, there is little she’ll be able to do to change Emily’s mind, so now is the time to practice acceptance and embrace the fact that she doesn’t actually know if her daughter will be OK in the end—even if she tries to control the variables. Most parents don’t know if their kids will be OK because none of us can accurately predict the future. If you want to chat with Emily about the fact that her mother longs for her company, I think that would be fine. You could say, “Hey, I noticed your mom gets a little down when the two of you hang up the phone. I think she’d really appreciate it if you called maybe once a week? Sundays are always good for her. It would make her happy, and that would make me happy. Is there anything I can do to help get you two together more often?” Then offer ideas, and listen to hers. But prepare yourself: You may just have to accept that it’s hard for her to spend significant amounts of time with someone who wants her to be living a different life from the one that makes her happiest. Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life? Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.) Dear Prudence, I (31F) am in a small group of very close friends, with “Jane” (30F) being my childhood best friend. She and “Walt” (37M) had a child 13 months ago. Since then, their marriage has suffered. There’s constant tension between them. My heart aches for them. Neither of them is the villain. I’m not a couples therapist, but I am a counselor. Jane trusts my perspective. I love supporting her, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. She’ll say she wants advice, and then gets frustrated when I provide it. She’ll want to vent without me giving advice, and then is disappointed when I don’t offer it anyway. She demands a lot of my time and sulks when she doesn’t get it; I see her two to three times weekly, work full-time, and can’t give more. I’m devastated that she’s suffering, but I’m held to unattainable standards—her expectations for Walt have transitioned onto me. We had a surprisingly tense exchange, where at her explicit request I pointed her to some free resources for communication. She snapped at me: The situation will never improve. She and Walt are forever damaged, and I need to stop intervening. I decided that if she asks for input, it’s best if I don’t give it and just remain sympathetic. We love them. They clearly need support outside of the free childcare we provide. But the vibe is such a bummer! We desperately want to help—but their marriage is none of our business. We have begun spending more time together without them. I’m torn between feeling relieved, and guilty that we have scaled back. How do we help them through this, without sacrificing one of our entire weekend days to their bickering and sullen silences? And, perhaps more importantly, how do I balance Jane’s needs with my own? —Nunya Dear Nunya, As you know, Jane is not your client, she is your friend. It’s OK to tell her that you are a little overwhelmed, and make suggestions for how the two of you might be able to talk about her relationship without either of you getting frustrated with one another. Because the issue Jane’s having is in her marriage, not in her relationship with her friends. That might be hard for her to unpack, but it’s important that she comes to understand she can’t take out the emotions she’s having about her marriage out on her friends. You’ve been there for her, you’ve supported her, and you’ve taken a lot of undeserved heat. Now it’s time to let her know that this dynamic is not OK, and that you need to find a new way to have this conversation if you’re going to continue rehashing it. Dear Prudence, Six months ago, my girlfriend was killed in an accident. We were on the outs so my grief has been complicated. Her family lives on the opposite coast and after the funeral, they only took a small part of her belongings back. Since then, I have approached her parents and sister to see if there was anything else of hers that they wanted. Most of it is sentimental like clothes, books, and little trinkets. But also there is furniture and other large bulky items that she either bought before we got together or came from her family. If I get a response, it is borderline hostile. I am a cold bastard for bothering them about this but how dare I suggest getting rid of anything.I can’t afford to pay for a two bedroom by myself and can’t really get a roommate in what amounts to a mausoleum. And I can’t afford to mail it or pay for it to be stored. I am struggling to keep my own bills paid off. So what do I do here? —Six Months Dear Six Months, Keep what’s special to you, offer them, again, an opportunity to take the rest, then empty the apartment before you move. Grief plays with time and emotions, and her family is in the thick of it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be unduly burdened. I don’t want you to be verbally attacked again, so I would send a final text or email to her family members, with a specific deadline for when they can come to gather her things. When the day arrives, I would throw away what can’t be given away, and donate the rest. —Ashley Classic Prudie I’m tired of having the same winter fight with my husband. He doesn’t believe I need to remove the snow accumulation on my SUV’s roof. He believes that’s just for “high visibility vehicles,” aka semis. (I want to know how he thinks a snow brush gets up there, but I digress.) Besides safety and courtesy for cars behind me, I also don’t like taking the risk of having to stop and it all slides down to my windshield. If he offers to help remove snow from my car, he will do the front and back windshield and that’s it.
Subscribe
Login
0 Comments
