My Husband’s Mom Tried to Cut Me Off. Now She’s Come Crawling Back.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I lost my husband Mark suddenly in January, leaving me to parent our four year old daughter alone. My husband had a challenging relationship with his mom—it sounds like she was extremely loving and supportive during his childhood, but changed after both her sons grew up and after she divorced Mark’s dad. In the 7 years Mark and I were together, their relationship was really on and off, and sometimes they would go months without speaking. Mark’s mom and I never really hit it off. I have found her extremely unpredictable and temperamental, and I never liked how she was so quick to criticize her sons and comment on their appearance, weight or relationships with other people. After our daughter was born, she never made an effort to come visit her granddaughter. We would have been happy to buy her a plane ticket for any day of the week she wanted to come, but the four times she met our daughter were when we brought our daughter directly to her door. After Mark’s memorial, I got an extremely angry (honestly unhinged) text from his mother. She was upset that I didn’t introduce her to people at the memorial, and she was angry that I didn’t arrange for her to spend time with our daughter. I feel like I barely survived that day. I was numb and just wanted to make it through my eulogy. She told me that she was cutting me off, but has made a couple attempts to reach out again since then. What do I do? I don’t like her, and would be happy to never speak to her again. She never attempted to have a relationship with our daughter before Mark died, and I don’t know how to explain to my daughter why she wants to be in our lives now. It’s hard for me to feel safe with her around my daughter. I’m scared she will say something disparaging about my husband to my daughter, or that she will criticize my daughter. At the same time, I see that she is a mother who lost her son and is just trying to make a connection with the only piece of him that’s left. The person that I most want to do right by is my daughter. If my daughter having a relationship with Mark’s mother will be a net benefit then I can put aside my personal feelings. Should I? —What to Do About Grandma Dear What to Do, I am so sorry for your loss. Your and your daughter’s lives changed overnight, and that you are thinking at all about your mother-in-law’s situation is notable. Actually, it tells me a lot about you as a person. It sounds like you are looking for permission to give this person one more chance. I think you should. But there are a few things to keep in mind as you move forward. First, she isn’t going to change. I think a lot of us know moms and mothers-in-law and grandmas who make all kinds of rude comments about loved ones’ appearances and weight and relationships. (I wish I could say it’s otherwise!) Some of it is surely generational; some of it is surely judgmentalness and insecurity. I’m not apologizing for it. But before opening the door you need to accept this aspect of how she is and hold your breath. Since you are worried she might say something disparaging about your son to your daughter, you could get ahead of that by emphasizing how you are talking to your daughter about her dad, and ask her to stick to those parameters. She will need to respect that. You could also be present—as I expect you would be—for their interaction, and cut her off if things go to a place you are uncomfortable with. Second, about opening that door. How would it work best for you to do that? It’s annoying that she hasn’t come to visit you, but perhaps visiting her—and staying in a hotel—would give you more control over the plans and interactions. I also don’t know how old your mother-in-law is: could it be that she is nervous about traveling on her own to you? Or maybe, rightly or wrongly, she feels she’ll be uncomfortable in your home. Either way, I think you making the effort to go to her would be best for you and your daughter. Perhaps seeing her granddaughter will bring out your mother-in-law’s softer side; ideally, the two of them could begin to get to know each other, and make a memory or two. Last, you are right, she did lose a child—one who she had a difficult relationship with in his adulthood. She may have all kinds of unprocessed bad feelings about that which are coming out in bizarre ways in her interactions with you. Her attempt to cut you off may well have been an attempt to protect herself from disappointing you, if that makes sense. You are clearly a sensitive and caring person. I think you can dip into that well of kindness for a pass at seeing if you can make this relationship work. Who knows? It may even be smoother under this circumstance, where both of you share this terrible loss. It would be wonderful if you could find a path forward that supports both of you, and respects your late husband. And if you try it once and it’s a disaster? Feel free to move on and keep it to sending cards and notes a few times a year—if you want to. Please rest assured that having her grandmother in her life is not make-or-break for your daughter’s happiness and wellbeing. Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life? Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.) Dear Care and Feeding, Is it just me, or does everyone have advice on how we should parent? From family to strangers on the internet–it feels like we’re constantly bombarded with opinions on what’s “right” or “wrong.” How do you handle all the outside noise? Do you have a personal parenting philosophy you stick to, or do you adapt as you go? For me, I’ve found that focusing on what works best for my family and tuning out the rest helps keep my sanity intact. But I’m always open to learning from others’ experiences, too. What’s your strategy for staying grounded amidst all the advice?! —No More Unsolicited Advice, Please Dear No More Advice, It is NOT just you! And it never stops! And even if people aren’t offering straight up ‘advice,’ they are voicing their judgments about how other parents do things all the time, either by criticizing them or praising their own parenting achievements. It is so annoying! This may not be the most exciting answer for you but: My strategy is the same as yours. I haven’t read a parenting book since my daughter was born 12 years ago (although I have “Queen Bees and Wannabees” and something by Dr. Becky around here somewhere). And when it comes to learning from others, I generally observe what my closest friends are doing with their kids and draw from their successes and failures; I have especially leveraged the experiences of friends with older kids. I do solicit advice from these trusted friends when I need it, but I really try to block out any other unsolicited wisdom thrown at me, and I always have. However, I have had times where I needed support as a parent, and for that I turned to therapy. Because even those of us comfortable with going with our gut can get a little queasy at times. Catch Up on Care and Feeding · Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Dear Care and Feeding, I live with my son, his partner, E, and their two year old son, who I help watch. To convince their son to leave a playdate or the park, E often offers a sugary reward, often ice cream. She follows through when they get home and gives the kid a treat. Many days, though, my grandson will then not eat his lunch, and will nap without eating it. He wakes up hungry so I feed him a nutritious snack. Subsequently, he often doesn’t want to eat dinner. He enjoys a wide variety of foods, otherwise. My son agrees with me this is an issue, but is often working when these situations arise. Are the treats—and subsequent forgoing of lunch— impacting his nutritional requirements? Is this important? Should I intervene in any way-even if just with advice (which already sounds like a bad idea in my head)? —Unsure About My Role Dear Unsure, This story reminds me of a friend who used candy as an incentive to toilet train. Every time her son peed in the toilet, he got a piece of candy. You know what the effect was? He got toilet trained. And I don’t think he even had cavities after the candy. I’m sure lots of folks will tell you that incentivizing kids with treats and snacks is bad. But life is hard, adults are overwhelmed, and sometimes shortcuts are called for. That said, given the skipping of lunch—which isn’t great nutritionally but also because it’s messing with nap time—I would advise trying to switch to a different, less filling—or more fun!—incentive. Is there something else that would help the transition from playdate to home? Ten minutes with Elmo or Bluey? (Don’t hate me for suggesting screen time—Elmo is good!) Or story time? Bubbles in the bath? I know you don’t want to give advice, but perhaps suggesting—without blame!—that you are noticing he’s super hungry when he wakes up and then not eating dinner would open a conversation about what is happening earlier in the day. Every parent wants their kid to nap and nap well; zeroing in on solving that issue might create an opening to discuss the rest. If the situation stays the same, there is one thing I can promise: it won’t last forever. And then I’d just say: make sure the eggs and broccoli are going down at other meal times. —Hillary More Advice from Slate I’ve had my dog Max for three years. He is a big, sweet, goofy guy. During a recent visit by my sister’s family, Max nipped my almost 2-year-old nephew. My nephew ended up needing some stitches on his cheek, forehead, and scalp, but long term he should be fine except for scarring. The doctors must’ve reported it, because I got a call from animal control a few days later. Luckily, they said that since it was Max’s first serious incident, I had the choice between getting him put down or getting him six weeks of intensive training. I chose the training. When my sister found out, she lost it. She said she just assumed I’d put Max down and couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t. I love my sister but I’m not killing my dog to appease her.