Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a divorced mother of two children, 14-year-old “Rick” and 10-year-old “Donna.” I never really got off on the right foot with my daughter. I had some pretty severe postpartum depression and when I recovered from it, I just always seemed to prefer her brother, who was more talkative and interactive at the time due to his age. It was probably a factor that led to the divorce, but there were other issues as well.
During the divorce, five years ago, I briefly considered splitting custody where I’d have full custody over Rick and my ex would have full custody over Donna. However, my then-husband was vociferously opposed to the idea, and my lawyer told me that it would never happen unless both parents signed off on it, so I dropped the notion. We now have a pretty standard arrangement that calls for split custody of both children, and I like to think we co-parent well.I’m not sure how, but Rick found out about the discarded custody arrangement. He is very upset and vocal about it all and trying to re-open things so he and his sister can stay with their father full-time. I’ve tried explaining that it was just a bad idea that flitted through my head for about a week when I was stressed, but he doesn’t care. Donna’s been quieter about it, but I can tell she’s upset too. I just want to assure them that I’m not planning on abandoning anyone and I’ll always be their mother, but right now I don’t think either of them is listening to me. How do I reassure them?
—Stuck in the Mess
Dear Stuck,
I’m not sure you can reassure them, other than to prove through your actions that you aren’t interested in going anywhere.
Sit down with the kids and tell them that you understand how upset they are, and that you aren’t going to try to convince them they should feel differently. Acknowledge that they probably feel a breach of trust and allow them to ask you any questions or share any reactions with you. Promise to listen, answer what you can, and do not be defensive. At the end of the conversation, tell them that you are so grateful that your lawyer and your ex-husband talked you out of your notion, because today with a clearer head, you wouldn’t change things for the world. Ask them if you can do anything in the short term to start earning their trust back (family therapy might be an option to consider, for example) and acknowledge that, no matter what, you know it’ll take time.
Depending on the specifics of your custody agreement, co-parenting relationship, and previous relationship with the kids, you might consider an appointment with a lawyer and a few sessions with a therapist just for yourself. You may be feeling defensive, ill at ease, or guilty about this being brought up, and I think consulting these experts could give you some needed peace of mind and professional advice.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My next-door neighbors and I aren’t close, but we’re friendly, and I’ve done small favors for them such as putting delivered packages in their house when they’re away. Now, they’ve just had their first baby, and I’ve knitted a sweater for their new addition. But it occurs to me that maybe it’s weird for a non-friend and non-family member to knock on their door with a handmade baby gift. Is it too intimate for relative strangers? I love to knit (especially for children because tiny clothes are cute and they work up fast), but I don’t want to freak them out or make them uncomfortable.
—Nervous Knitter
Dear Knitter,
Not to worry, it’s completely acceptable for you to give your neighbors a handmade gift. I’m sure they’re going to be completely touched. It would be one thing if you painted a giant canvas to hang above their mantle—that would be presumptuous and a bridge too far. But baby gear is a gift category where handmade objects are relatively common—and thus “normal.” Plus, clothing is transient, so they’re not obligated to keep it forever if they don’t want to.
I have a knitted hippo stuffy that my friend gave me at my baby shower. She and I were not close friends; in fact, the shower was the last time I saw her before we drifted apart. But I still have and value the hippo nine years later. I firmly believe that most people appreciate when others take the time to make them feel cared for. I am sure your neighbors will be moved to receive such a thoughtful (and doubtless adorable) gift.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a single father with a 14-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. We got a dog three years ago when my son was 11, and he began walking the dog right away. Not regularly—often he’d have to be asked—but he has a cell phone if something goes wrong or if he gets lost, and I can trust him to be responsible.
My daughter is now 11 and wants to be able to walk the dog by herself, too. She’s gone with her brother before but never alone. The thing is, she’s very uncoordinated, clumsy, and forgetful. I’m not being disparaging, I’m just not sure she’s ready to walk the dog by herself. She has walked to her friends’ houses in our neighborhood. But to walk for 45 minutes while being responsible for another living being is something I’m not sure she can handle. She has been known to lose or damage her things all the time: If she has physical worksheets, they’re usually turned in crumpled, for example, and her glasses are almost always messed up (her current pair within 48 hours of getting them). What’s more, she tends to panic and when she does, her judgment can go out the window. She is only 11, after all. But she also has a strong sense of justice and I can’t think of a reason to tell her she can’t start walking the dog at the same age her brother did that won’t upset her.
—Puppy Parity
Dear Parity,
It’s best to be upfront and share some of your concerns with your daughter. Explain that things aren’t always equal (the exact same for everyone)—sometimes they are equitable (everyone gets what is right for them), and your job is to make sure that she and the dog are safe and set up for success. Then, I would brainstorm together. Think of things your daughter can do to prove her responsibility and instill confidence in you that she can handle this task. It could be something routine, like keeping her homework neat and organized, or something more specific like memorizing the layout of the neighborhood. I’d also devise an incremental system that allows her to work her way up to 45-minute solo walks. Maybe she shadows you for a while, and then you let her take the dog around the block for a few weeks, then you increase the distance, and so on.
What about technology? It doesn’t sound like she has a phone, but would you consider a no-bells-and-whistles smartwatch that would let you track her location and let her call home if she needed it?
You know best what your daughter is and isn’t ready for. However, if she’s naturally a bit scattered, then taking on an added responsibility like walking the dog might be exactly what she needs. She’s going to need to figure out how to “be” in the world, and by working out with you how she can be successful with this chore, she’ll become more adept at navigating her strengths and weaknesses. Build a safety net, of course, but let her go out on the tightrope.
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