Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I love my husband. He’s kind, loving, and generous. My issue is that he wants to go out of his way to cater to me and I feel smothered. Wherever I am, he has to be right there, asking me multiple times if there is something I need. Or if I go to get something, he jumps up to do it instead. At first I liked it, but now it’s annoying. It feels like I cannot do anything by myself. If I go upstairs into my bedroom for five minutes of peace, he follows me. I want to go visit a friend or go to a store? He’s jumping into the car. I go to my part-time job—guess who shows up to say hi and hang around?
I have told him (nicely) that I need some time to decompress after work. He wants to know how many minutes I need. I tell him to hang out with friends, but he just wants to be with me. The more he wants “together” time, the more I want to push away. Friends tell me I should “feel lucky” he wants to be with me, but I just want some occasional time alone. Am I wrong here? He’s retired and works part-time. He gets the house to himself until I get home. I work seven days a week and just want a few hours of solitude.
—Can’t Miss You If You Don’t Leave
Dear Can’t Miss You,
I’m sure there are plenty of people who wish they were getting the kind of attention your partner showers on you from their own spouses, but that doesn’t mean it’s what you want or what you like. And that’s OK! It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with you OR the people who enjoy constant contact. Nor does it mean you’re ungrateful. It’s just a difference in preference, and I think that’s ultimately all that you and your husband are experiencing here.
Have you ever met a couple where one of them was raised in a family that was constantly out of the house going on adventures, or hosting events in their home, while the other was raised in a family of homebodies who spent their time either in their own spaces, or primarily engaging in quiet activities together? I assure you, they each have preferences for noise volume in the home, guest policies, and even time spent speaking out loud to one another that seem perfectly normal to them, even if their spouse finds their preferences overwhelming or suffocating. Neither can change what the other perceives to be normal, but empathy can help them imagine how and why their loved one might have expectations for their home life that they themselves have never considered. The only way to make it more bearable, and (hopefully) eventually, comfortable for both parties, is to talk to one another, and be willing to try something new when what you’re currently doing isn’t working.
You’ve expressed your need for time alone, and that should be respected. But it may not come the way you expected or initially wanted it to. You’re going to have to insist. Come up with a schedule that works for your real life, and block off time, each day, or most days, when you’d like to be alone and undisturbed. Share this schedule with your husband. You’ve identified that you need that time to recharge, and a husband who loves you will want you to feel your best, and will trust you to know how to provide that for yourself in a healthy way. And to let him know that you see him, and his need to connect with you, make sure you also schedule regular quality time together.
Dear Prudence,
My 16-year-old niece just declared she wants to be a trad wife and live on a farm with her (someday) wealthy husband and have tons of kids. She has no interest in college or developing herself in anyway. My brother and wife are frustrated by the lack of any ambition. I am just downright disappointed! What was the point in investing in her for 16 years? We are upper middle class and she can pursue any degree, career, or lifestyle she wants! I’m confounded by the lack of curiosity and unrealistic expectations of what she envisions for her future. What should I do and what should I not do?
—They Break Your Heart
Dear They Break Your Heart,
One of the best things about growing up around kids you love is watching them become even better people than you hoped they might be. Conversely, one of the most devastating heartbreaks is watching them morph into a person you don’t recognize. But the wants and desires of the adults who raised them up can only matter so much. They have to try their own ways at living and learn their own lessons. This is every parent, guardian, and beloved adult’s greatest hope and fear, that the children we love grow beyond us in ways we don’t or can’t understand.
You should listen to your niece, who is still a child, and only beginning to understand what it is to be a woman in the world. She’s just getting started. Give her room to make her own mistakes. You can’t save her from them, but you can be there to help her find a new way when she needs you. Tell her, “I don’t understand why this choice appeals to you, but I don’t have to. I hope we can keep talking about it, and you know that I am always here to help you figure it all out.”
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Dear Prudence,
I am an educated, grown woman and I still have not figured out how to get guests who overstay (sometimes by hours and on a weeknight) to leave. I’ve tried standing up, stretching, talking about the time we normally close things down to get ready for bed, saying “Oh my, it’s been so good catching up!” and literally walking to stand near the door when it seems like things are winding down. I like these folks, and I truly do like to see them, but sometimes the night needs to end! I REALLY don’t want to have to come out and say it. It’s starting to make me reluctant to host, ever. Any tips?
—It’s Time to Leave!
Dear It’s Time to Leave,
You have to think of the time you need alone as time when you’re busy. Which means, when you invite people over, tell them what time the event begins, and what time it ends. An hour to 30 minutes before the departing time, start to subtly clean up, lower the volume of the music, raise the brightness of the lights, and chat with your guests about how much you’ve enjoyed their company, and how you’re already looking forward to the next gathering. If the coats and bags are in another room, bring them into a main lounging area, and encourage people to claim theirs.
If there are lingering guests, and there inevitably will be from time to time despite your carefully thought out strategy, remind them gently of the ending time noted in their invitation, and mention that you have to get some things done once everyone leaves or have an early start the next day. It may feel uncomfortable, or even kind of mean, to be so direct, but trust me, a fun get together isn’t a good time because of how long it lasted. Most people love a clear signal that’s time to skedaddle.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband Steve knows my favorite holiday is Halloween. We’ve been together for 12 years and for the last nine of them, he has made no effort to celebrate. He doesn’t help with decorating, or with picking out costumes and events to attend. I’ve talked to him about why, and his answer is that it just doesn’t mean much to him.
His favorite holiday is Christmas and every year I help with the tree, decor, and shopping for his many relatives. I have a small family and am not religious so I only do it for his benefit because, “It’s tradition!” After another year of being disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm, I told him he’s on his own. He says I’m being unfair. I think I’m just putting out the same energy he’s giving me, and I’ve communicated this intention in advance so he can stress about shopping for gifts and putting up the tree himself. What’s your verdict?
—Spooky Susan
Dear Spooky Susan,
My verdict is that tit-for-tat fighting in marriages is rarely effective in a positive way. However, I understand if you want to slow down the “extras” you perform on your husband’s behalf for Christmas if he won’t participate in your energetic celebration of Halloween.
In an ideal world, though, I think you’d be the Queen of Halloween while he plays your supportive partner, and he’d be the King of Christmas while you do the same. What specifically would that look like for you? Do you want him to brainstorm a couples costume with you next year? Help you carve the pumpkins? Surprise you with tickets to a local party? Tell him exactly what it is you’re wishing for (and maybe give him a bit of a reminder next October, in case it slips his mind). Hopefully, he can be the Jack Skellington to your Sally. But l’d advise you both to stay away from the mindset of “getting even.”
Classic Prudie
This August, I left my husband for my next-door neighbor. My husband was upset, but we are now on good terms. My problem is with our other neighbors, the Barclays. My 8-year-old son is best friends with their 9-year-old daughter and she usually lives at our house after school. Since my affair, they have refused to speak to me and have forbidden their daughter from being at our house when I am there (we are alternating days). They have also blocked and deleted my number. Their reasoning is that I betrayed their friendship.
