As in people who bore on about domestic tasks (‘I don’t know why but personally I find ironing therapeutic’)? No, as in embracing the dull to stop chores ruining your relationship. Tell me more… A recent article in The New York Times advised that when marital conflict threatens: ‘Take a moment to imagine a small grey rock sitting in the palm of your hand… Are you bored yet? If so, that’s kind of the point.’ The New York Times is advising that I bore my husband into domestic submission by behaving like a piece of granite? That’s it. OK, so let’s say he’s forgotten to take out the bins again and I’ve completely lost my… Sense of stoic calm? Quite. The schedule is on the fridge and has been since Christmas and if it’s going to be down to me to remind him then I may as well do it myself and… Oh dear. That wasn’t a grey rock response, was it? No. You should have impassively observed that the opening hours of the council recycling centre can be found online before rolling away like a stone. I don’t think I’m cut out for grey rocking. Are there any other options? The more emotionally expansive could try ‘yellow rocking’. A sandstone sort of vibe? Exactly – firm but with just a little give. Right, so he’s forgotten to take out the bins again and my yellow rock response is… ‘I’m hoping that we can both take time away from this topic to regroup as we are not going in a positive or productive direction.’ After which I could record his misdemeanour on an Excel spreadsheet. That, in fact, is also a thing, according to another article in The New York Times. You’re making this up. I’m not. ‘Nonviolent communication is so important in a relationship’ offered one commentator (in a tweet that went viral) and specificity is apparently the way to achieve it. Go on… ‘You never take out the trash’ is too vague, says the author. So instead I should say… ‘The spreadsheet I’ve kept for the past six months indicates you only took out the rubbish 3.2 per cent of the time.’ Are there really women recording everything their husbands do badly on a spreadsheet? There are. Even… Yes, that as well. And would that be given a percentage rating, or would there be room for additional comments? Remains unclear but, obviously, you don’t want to accidentally send any analysis of action between the (spread)sheets to your boss. This sounds like a potential IT disaster. Maybe I’ll just make him come food shopping instead. That’s a very bad idea. Why? Because a new survey, reports the Daily Mail, shows that seven out of ten Britons argue about what food they should buy, with a quarter saying a supermarket row ended in a breakup. Although better, surely, than getting him to buy groceries unaccompanied. I take it that you’ve had a bad experience. ‘Will iceberg do?’ is not a text you want to receive when you’ve sent him to Waitrose. Why? What was on the shopping list? Cabbage. Well, don’t come crying to me, I’ve already told you what to do. What? Record the misdemeanour in the ‘salad sins’ column, which you’ll find between ‘bedroom boredom’ and ‘trash travesties’. Now fire up that Excel spreadsheet.
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