Happy Tuesday, my Nightcaps family. I trust everyone had a glorious holiday weekend and properly thanked the veterans in their lives for the privilege of living in the greatest country in the world.
My husband had a couple of friends in town from his podunk hometown in northern Illinois, so we watched football, hit up a few breweries and ventured into the woods for some healing waters (I believe that’s what they call it in Screencaps-land).
Frankly, I’m not sure if there’s a better weekend itinerary — not on my budget, anyway.
But you’re not here for my weekend diary and rad waterfall photos. You’re here to become a well-informed citizen of the Internet… to wow your friends with your knowledge of viral nonsense. And we have a star-studded edition for you today.
So pour one up and kick on back. It’s Nightcaps time!
Sabrina Carpenter Fan Pees Her Pants With Excitement
A few years ago — before he was selling out arenas — I went to a Hardy show at a bar in Rome, Ga. The doors opened at 7 p.m., but we didn’t find out until we got there that Hardy wouldn’t take the stage until 10. That’s a tremendously long time for a crowd to wait, especially since there was no opening act.
And because a bunch of people were crammed into a bar for hours on end with nothing to do, everyone got properly sloshed. And the line for the bathroom was a mile long.
I was standing at the back of the line when several people came barreling over, yelling and looking utterly disgusted. I then found out some drunk dude who was vying for position in front of the stage couldn’t hold his bladder any longer… so he unzipped his fly and peed all over the floor. The unlucky folks around him raced to the bathroom for paper towels to clean off their shoes and pants.
Apparently, this isn’t a unique experience. Because the exact same thing just happened at a Sabrina Carpenter concert. Except this time, the culprit was a female.
Granted, the concert was in San Francisco — where folks are just accustomed to defecating all over the street. But doing that on the Chase Center floor does seem a bit brazen.
There’s no video of the actual act, but multiple fans in multiple social media posts have confirmed that a woman did, in fact, squat down and relieve herself right there in the middle of the pit.
Hey, those $18 concert beers will go right through ya!
Bruins Hop On Zach Bryan Hate Train
I do not envy Zach Bryan’s PR team right now. Because it seems the entire world is against this guy and — from where I’m standing — it’s for good reason.
In case you haven’t spent any time on the Internet in the last couple of weeks, let me get you up to speed… Country music star Zach Bryan and Barstool Sports personality Brianna Chickenfry (whose real name is Brianna LaPaglia) recently had a very messy breakup. For those non-country music fans among us, please note that Zach Bryan is not the same as Luke Bryan, and he’s also not the same as Zac Brown, who sings a song called “Chicken Fried.”
Now that we’ve cleared that up, Zach reportedly offered LaPaglia $12 million to sign a non-disclosure agreement after they split in late October. But she told him to kick rocks. Instead of taking his hush money, Bri has spilled all the secrets of their tumultuous relationship to her boss, Dave Portnoy. And Portnoy has taken it upon himself to launch a full-throttle smear campaign against Zach.
Got all that? Good.
Zach Bryan and Brianna Chickenfry dated for about a year.
(Credit: Getty Images)
Brianna paints a picture of Zach as an emotionally abusive and angrily unhinged ratbag. For example, Bri told Portnoy a story about how Zach once flew off the handle when he caught her singing a Morgan Wallen song.
We were out the night before, and one morning I woke up, and I was scrolling TikTok, and ‘Last night, we let the liquor talk,’ was stuck in my head.
And I walk up the stairs in the New York apartment, and I’m singing, I’m about to make breakfast or something like that… He freaked the f*ck out. Like, freaked the f*ck out.
He could not believe, ‘You’re singing another man’s song under my roof, in this house, that I own!’ It was a fight for, I think, a week. It’s a Morgan Wallen song. I don’t know…
I’m just picturing Zach constantly jamming to the sound of his own voice, since that’s apparently all the music that’s allowed in his house.
Since all this went down, various sports teams and brand accounts have jumped aboard the Zach Bryan hate train — with the latest being the Boston Bruins. Over the weekend, the Bruins’ TikTok account posted a video of their players just casually singing a Morgan Wallen ditty that was stuck in their heads.
Bri and Zach are both from the Boston area, and it seems their NHL team has picked a side.
And speaking of catchy little ditties, Portnoy & Co. have also released two songs of their own about Zach. And it’s safe to say those probably aren’t allowed to be played in his apartment, either.
They say all publicity is good publicity, but this… this might be an exception.
Xavier Legette Tries German Food
If you’ve never heard Xavier Legette talk, you’re truly missing out. The Carolina Panthers’ rookie wide receiver (who is originally from Mullins, South Carolina) has an awesome Southern accent that would make even Foghorn Leghorn blush.
See if you can decipher what he’s saying here.
With that in mind, Xavier went to Germany this past week as his Panthers were taking on the New York Giants in Munich. Apparently, the NFL really hates Germany to send them a pillow fight like that, but that’s beside the point.
While overseas, Xavier decided to try out a collection of authentic German snacks — which really just looked like one of those gift baskets they sell at the Hickory Farms kiosk in the mall during Christmastime.
As Xavier munched on various sausages, he shared his thoughts with the German reporter.
Imagine growing up in Germany, studying English as a second language, getting this huge opportunity to interview an NFL player, and they give you… Xavier Legette. A guy native English speakers don’t even understand.
Damn, now I’m really craving some schnitzel and spaetzle. But I guess since we just elected “literally Hitler,” we’ll all be eating German food very soon!
(That was a joke, keep your hate mail to yourself.)
It Appears Mark Estes Has Moved On
When Kristin Cavallari started dating Mark Estes, I said, “There’s no chance in hell this is going to last.” For starters, I cannot fathom what stunning, successful woman in her late 30s could possibly have in common with some 24-year-old goober who lip syncs to songs on TikTok for a living.
I thought, surely this dude is just doing it for clout. Because would any of us know who Mark Estes is right now without Kristin Cavallari? No. Exactly. And eventually, Kristin would realize that good abs and a chiseled jawline simply don’t compensate for top-tier douchebaggery and a massive maturity gap.
But being the fair and balanced big-J journalist that I am, I tried to keep an open mind. I even interviewed a research psychologist on age-gap relationships and wrote a whole column about it.
READ: Response To Kristin Cavallari Shows Double Standard In Age-Gap Dating, But Cougars Are Here To Stay
Now, I hate to say I told you so, but I most certainly told you so. Kristin and Mark split in September. But they are reportedly still friends and even hung out last week in Nashville.
Young Marky Mark got that clout he was chasing, though. And now, he’s been out on the town with a new hot blonde — only this one is 16 years younger than Cavallari.
Liv Walker was a contestant on Love Island USA. Or is still a contestant? A cast member? I don’t know. Forgive my ignorance — the only trash TV I watch is 90 Day Fiancé.
Anyway, after Mark was done hanging out with his ex, he hit multiple bars with Liv on Saturday night in Nashville, and at one point, he even pulled out a ring and staged a fake proposal.
Clearly, he’s not too broken up about his split with Kristin. And at least he’s not getting the Zach Bryan treatment.
That’s enough celebrity news for today. Let’s end with something completely different.…
Please Enjoy This Drunk Pig
This is the part of Charlotte’s Web that they left out of the book.
A couple in Colorado went out to their garage to find their 7-year-old pig named Strawberry completely and totally wasted. Owner Morgan Mullins said Strawberry somehow got into multiple cases of beer and proceeded to get sloshed all by herself. Her best friend, who is a duck, did not partake.
In fact, the duck might have saved Strawberry’s life — or at least her liver. Because it was the duck causing “a ruckus outside” which led the humans to investigate. From there, they found “all the empty beer cans, and then a very drunk Strawberry.”
Not to rat out Strawberry here, but I don’t think this is her first time sneaking into the beer fridge. I say this because she’s handling herself way too well for a first time drunk.
When my now-15-year-old dog Lucy was about a year old, she had beer for the first time, and it was a DISASTER. On the night in question, I was in college and was at my then-boyfriend’s apartment for a party. What I didn’t know was that my boyfriend’s roommate had filled Lucy’s waterbowl with Natty Light.
I only became privy to this information later that evening when we were all sitting around watching a football game. Lucy walked to the middle of the living room floor as if she were prepared to put on a performance. Before I could stop her, she promptly squatted and let out the most explosive doggy diarrhea I had ever seen in my life. We had to throw the whole rug away.
And that was only from one beer. So I do think Strawberry might be a little more experienced than she’s letting on.
She did apparently have a gnarly hangover, though.
We’ve all been there, Strawberry.
Unfortunately, though, she didn’t learn her lesson. She was up early the next morning looking for brunch beers.
Don’t be a Strawberry. Drink responsibly.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at [email protected].
