Anne Myers was once confused and shaken by death. After more than a decade as a nurse, including in hospital ICUs, her mother died. “I’d seen a lot of deaths in my nursing life, but it was the closest human to me that had died,” she said. “It kind of sent me down a ‘oh my god, I don’t know what’s happening to me’, this grief I’m experiencing.” Soon afterwards, she became a palliative care nurse. “I ended up just going down the path of ‘what is death, what is death and dying all about?'” she recalled. More than 15 years later, here’s what she and other palliative care nurses have discovered on how to die well and live well.
Dead people visit you before you die – and if that happens, go with it
Anne-Marie Jackson has been a palliative care nurse for 26 years but began her medical career 40 years ago in the UK at a time of high fear and anxiety. “Just when HIV and AIDS had come out,” the Irish-raised nurse said. “I’ve seen so many deaths, and not one has been the same. “But you know, when death is imminent, some things, there’s some things that happen.” One of those things can be feeling, sensing, hearing, and even seeing the presence of others, who aren’t physically there. “People will see their dead relatives in the room,” she said. “And, you know, families will go and tell them that they’re not seeing them. And I’m like, well, they actually probably are seeing them, because … it happens quite a lot.” Ms Myers said in her experience it was common and could be linked to the delirium that often sets in shortly before death. “Within that delirium they will hallucinate, and see family members that have died,” she said. “We always say to the family to support that, because whatever they are seeing, it can be a source of comfort for them. That they are going to meet whoever they haven’t seen for a long time.” Palliative care nurse Marita Rees said her own brother saw the presence of a long-dead family member in the room just before he died. “It was quite amazing because the person that he saw and what she said she was doing, it was just so true to what she would have been doing. It was almost a preparation type thing. “You also see a lot of people hold on to life.”
At the end, some patients hold on until they’re ready
In her decades of nursing, Marita Rees has not only seen patients visited by the dead in their final moments — she’s seen terminally ill people who should die within the week or the month hold on much longer than doctors expected, usually for birthdays or anniversaries. “Many actually end up happening [die] on Christmas Day because it’s almost like they have held on for Christmas,” Ms Rees said. “Definitely people hold on for people, family that are coming, traveling from somewhere else [to say goodbye]. “And then we’ve also seen people let go when someone is not there. Like when someone is keeping vigil, and they leave the room just for a moment, and they’ll go then. “I feel like I see it with mothers and their children, and it is almost like mothers are mothers till the last breath, even though their children might be 50 or 60.” Ms Jackson teared up recalling how one man apparently refused to die until he had said goodbye to specific loved ones. “We had a young gentleman … unconscious for nearly a week… and his hand it was like a rag doll. It would just flop there,” she said. “And I remember saying, you know is there anybody, is he hanging on for something else, anything, because he’s hanging on for something? “And they say nobody. Everybody has said their goodbyes. “The two dogs came in, and the two of us cried — this is no word of a lie – he lifted his hand and put his head on the two dogs’ heads. And he died within the next half an hour.”
Beautiful things happen – but people don’t change
The trio have cared for literally thousands of dying people, and while many deaths are sad, people are capable of extraordinary beauty when time is short. Ms Myers said for some, it provided a focus for their love. “It can be a good thing for families. It can bring them together. They are in the room and sharing stories,” she said. “Things like parents [who are terminal] writing out individual birthday cards for their kids until they are 18, or making videos. “And the amount of women that have left their partners that come back and nurse them to their death. I
