DEAR HARRIETTE:
I recently started dating someone with whom I had immediate and electric chemistry. Just being near him sets my body on fire. As you can imagine, that is fun, but reality is quite different. He is unemployed. While he says he needs a job, I don’t see him putting in the effort that it will take to find one. He is kind but not driven. I, on the other hand, am a go-getter. I have a booming career, and I always have my sights set on how to build my future. I wonder if I can be with someone who is not like me. I love being with him, but fun will not be enough for me in the long run. I know myself. I don’t just want a boy toy. How can I address this with him? — More Than Fun
DEAR MORE THAN FUN:
You already know what this man is like. Can you accept him for who he is? If you want him in your life, what kind of relationship will work for you? Can you be open with him about that? Some people are satisfied with having a fun, sexual relationship that isn’t supposed to go further. Do you think you can do that? If what you truly want is a partner who is both exciting in bed and responsible in life, this is not your man. You cannot change him. Assess the situation and decide what you can live with. If you like him enough to see what the future holds, tell him what you want in a relationship and ask if he wants to try to fulfill that. If he is willing to make the effort and you are willing to support him along the way, there may be a chance for the two of you.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
My sister is the mother of 14 children. Her family is blended, with some of her children coming from foster care and others being her biological kids. I have growing concerns about her parenting approach. It seems to me that she is spoiling them excessively and enabling them in ways that might be detrimental to their growth and independence. For instance, my sister does everything for her children, regardless of their age. She cleans up all of their messes, packs their lunches every single day and showers them with extravagant gifts, often spending thousands of dollars for birthdays. While I understand that two of the younger children do require more assistance, the majority of them are old enough to handle these responsibilities on their own. I’m worried that this pattern of behavior is setting them up for challenges in the future, as they might struggle with independence and self-sufficiency. How can I approach my sister about these concerns without seeming judgmental or unsupportive? I want to help her see that encouraging her children to be more independent will benefit them in the long run. — Touchy Subject
Suggest that she give the children duties to help her with the functioning of the household and to take some of the burden off of her as she also teaches them how to run a home. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is independence. Encourage her to do that more actively by giving them more responsibility. Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams.
You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
