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Dear Prudence, My husband “Lance” and I have a 10-month-old daughter, “Isabelle.” Last month we had a near-tragedy when Lance came home with Isabelle from daycare. Shortly after he pulled into the driveway he was distracted by a phone call from work and came into the house and forgot Isabelle inside the car. It was over 95 degrees outside. By some miracle, our next-door neighbor’s 13-year-old daughter “Aubrey” was in her front yard and saw Lance pull up. From what Aubrey told me, she went and got a hedge trimmer her dad had borrowed from us and came over to return it. While walking past the car, she spotted Isabelle in her car seat. She tried to open the doors, but they were locked. She dropped the trimmer, rushed to our front door, and rang the doorbell repeatedly. I had just gotten out of the shower and was toweling off and couldn’t answer it. I later learned my husband was still on the phone in his office and had ignored it. When Aubrey didn’t get a response, she ran back to the car and used the trimmer to smash open a window and got Isabelle out. Isabelle was unconscious by then and Aubrey rushed her inside her house to her mother, who is a nurse. I only became aware of what was transpiring when I came downstairs and heard Aubrey’s 10-year-old brother “Alex” pounding on our door and yelling for me and my husband. I opened up and was told by a terrified Alex what happened. We rushed over to my neighbor’s to find Isabelle lying on their kitchen floor as Aubrey and her mother worked to cool her down with cold compresses and a portable fan. After several terror-filled minutes, Isabelle woke up and began to cry just as the ambulance arrived. Isabelle spent the night in the hospital for observation, but thankfully was all right and able to go home the next day. The doctor said had she been in the car 10 minutes longer she likely would not have survived. I gave my husband hell for what happened to Isabelle and he has been nothing but remorseful. But here’s the part that truly has me seeing red. Lance’s car is customized and he treasures it. The car was a gift from his parents for his birthday. When Aubrey was breaking out the window, she put some dents in the frame and a big scratch in the paint on the door. We have insurance and only ended up with our deductible out of pocket plus around $1,000. Lance is insisting we have Aubrey’s parents reimburse us for it. I cannot believe this. Their daughter saved my baby’s life (she even cut her arm in the process and needed stitches!) after my husband forgot about her and he wants Aubrey’s parents to cover the damn deductible! I have told him this is disgusting and that if there is anyone to blame for the damage to his precious car, it’s him for putting our daughter in this situation. His response is that Aubrey’s dad makes a lot of money so they can easily afford it. He said he is willing to give Aubrey’s parents a chance to pay us before he takes them to court. I am sickened by the prospect and have told him so, but he won’t budge. What can I do to make him see reason? —At a Loss
Dear At a Loss, This is one of those letters that makes me wonder where the unbelievable behavior described fits into the bigger picture of your lives. Be honest, is your husband typically emotionally clueless, vindictive, and unreasonable? To be clear, I’m not even talking about the part where he left your daughter in the car. As upsetting as that was, I know it happens to loving parents who are tired and distracted all too often. He’s forgiven for that. But his determination to get money from the neighbors is truly shocking. I can see two possibilities at play. He might be spiraling out of control due to guilt (and maybe some postpartum depression? Men can get it too!) and behaving uncharacteristically. If that’s the case, he’s way overdue for therapy. The alternative is that he’s an antisocial, ungrateful person and I’m sure you have plenty of evidence in addition to what’s in this letter that he truly can’t be reasoned with. If that sounds closer to the truth, I don’t think you’ll be able to change his mind but you might start to reevaluate whether you two have enough in common to continue to share a life. If he became your ex-husband, and you told the story you shared in this letter, with no additional information, everyone would understand exactly why you were no longer together. How to Get Advice Submit your questions anonymously
