For our parents’ generation, the considerations before starting a family were simple: you either wanted to or didn’t, and you either could or couldn’t.
But now the whole concept has become much more complicated. Would a child impact your career? Your relationship? Your lifestyle? Your body? The environment?
In my role as a psychotherapist, I work with many couples grappling with this profoundly life-changing decision. Indeed, the question is so important that some people are even turning to specialised ‘baby decision’ coaches to find out if they are ready to have children.
An effective process I’ve used with couples and potential mothers is to set aside a time and a place where you can sit quietly and ask yourself a series of key questions, which I list below, then use the power of your imagination to properly visualise your future life in different scenarios – with and without a child.
There’s a wealth of scientific evidence to show that visualisation forges connections between your mind and your body. It is a much stronger sensation than merely ‘thinking about’ a conundrum. If you relax and go with the process of visualising, it allows you to feel the effect of positive or negative emotions in your body and explore those feelings.
With so many unpredictable and uncontrollable elements to having a baby, it can be hard to know for certain what the right choice is. But by the end of this process you may have a better sense of which decision feels right enough.
Here are the six questions I recommend you ask yourself before having a child….
1. How might your life look with a child?
Think really deeply about different aspects of your life and imagine what possible future scenarios might look and feel like, both with and without a child in the mix.
What images come to mind? Notice the sensations that accompany any images that emerge. Are you excited? Perhaps there’s sadness about the sacrifices you’ll have to make? What would the alternative child-free version look like? Who might be in that picture and what might that feel like? Don’t judge yourself, just let your imagination take you through different scenarios and see how you feel about them.
2. What excites you most about the prospect of having a child?
See what comes into your mind when you ask this question. Some might conjure up an idyllic parenting scenario such as opening presents on Christmas Day or reading story books to a snoozing child. Others might relish the close bond with a teenager. Observe those positive images and notice what’s happening internally. How do you feel about yourself in those moments?
3. What are your worries?
Is there anything you are dreading? Move towards those fears and notice what thoughts and body sensations emerge. Are you worried you might lose your identity? What will that look like and how will it feel? Are you stressed about the additional costs – not just in monetary terms but also to the environment? What about your career? Your freedom?
Don’t shy away from these potential sticking points – see which fears hold the most charge and spend some time exploring them. Do these worries seem insurmountable?
4. How will a child impact your relationship?
Babies bring joy but they can put considerable pressure on a relationship, so think through possible future scenarios – good and bad – and imagine how you and your partner might react or behave separately and together. Can you envisage both of you sharing night-time feeds? Dropping everything and leaving work in an emergency?
If there are any possible cracks in your relationship a baby may well highlight them, so use this exercise as an opportunity to pin-point areas for discussion to consolidate your relationship first.
5. What kind of parent do you want to be?
It is understandable to feel anxious about whether or not you’ll be a good enough parent and it can be really helpful to consider what you want your parenting style to be like. Many couples start by going over the sort of parenting they had as a child – what did you appreciate? What do you definitely want to avoid? How does this correspond with your partner’s view?
6. What would a child-free life feel like?
It is helpful to visualise the impact not having a child might have on your relationship, your career and your friendship groups. Child-free couples enjoy greater freedom (and often more disposable income) and often form many different kinds of nurturing communities.
How impacted are you by ‘doing what’s expected?’ When you imagine a child-free future, how does it feel? Is this scenario exciting, liberating? Or does it leave you feeling empty? Disappointed? Do you have friends who are child-free? Would you be sufficiently happy and fulfilled having relationships with children as an aunt, godparent or friend instead?
Marianne Johnson is an individual and couples’ psychotherapist and founder of The Thought House Partnership in London (thethoughthouse.co.uk)
* As told to Louise Atkinson
