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Going mad about dad Father’s Day. The person who can’t get into the john, on the phone or out of the house. Same as Mother’s Day — only cheaper. It’s Mother’s Day after taxes. A father. The kin you love to touch. They’re full of tenderness: George W. Bush: “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. I’d rather go to war.” Jerry Lewis: “When I said, ‘Take me to the zoo,’ Dad said, ‘If the zoo wants you let them come get you.’ ” Goody giftee: Raleigh, NC, sells a real legit bird bath of apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, hot sauce that supposedly locks in the flavor of a turkey’s thighs. They say it’s great for dad although I’m not sure why. Father time Hollywood devotion: An actor called his dad long distance. For an hour they reminisced about childhood, their great times together. As they hung up the father said, “By the way, who is this?” It isn’t what to buy him — it’s who to give it to. One kid: “My father can lick your father.” The other kid said: “You kidding? Your father is my father.” When Ben Affleck and his new temp wife got married it was early morning. This way, when it didn’t work out she hadn’t wasted a whole day. About what to give the new couple, one of their kids answered: “About three months.” His new bride — already divorced four times, wed repeatedly in a wash and wear wedding gown — never could hold an audience. When Sarah delivered Isaac, the Bible says Abraham — who probably didn’t learn history, he remembered it — was 100. Similarly good at memorizing are actors. New Hollywood daddies — De Niro, age 80, and Pacino, 84. There’s songs about birds, bees, dogs, cats, lots about mothers — from Kanye, Elvis, Tupac, Dolly, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift, Rolling Stones, Stevie Wonder, Billy Joel, Carrie Underwood, Backstreet Boys, Alicia Keys, Justin Bieber. For fathers not so much. In toon with pops Being Father’s Day, Pixar shoved out “Inside Out 2.” Whatever the thing is, it has Amy Poehler as Joy, Lewis Black as Anger and new kid June Squibb as Nostalgia. She’s 94. Film is all about what kids are feeling inside. Like who knew? Whatever’s there is mostly Starbucks. More kid things are grabbing screentime. Comes now Austin Butler who’s been Elvis, hung with Leo in Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time . . . in Hollywood.” Now he’s riding bikes in “The Bikeriders.” Ones with engines. “I grew up with my dad riding motorcycles. We’d go for long California to Arizona rides. When I was 16, dad said ‘You gotta learn to ride,’ so he threw me onto them. “My parents didn’t throw me onto any of those things so you go see the movie and tell me about it. Make it a short version. Happy Father’s Day. Know that most show business marriages specialize in four must-haves: a Japanese gardener, a Filipino houseboy, a French maid and a lawyer that speaks cash. And not only in New York, kids, not only in New York.

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