The “Get Your Ex Back” Industry Is Booming. It’s Even Grimmer Than You Might Imagine.

Benny Lichtenwalner got married young. The father of four—who spoke to me from his Kansas City home in a salt-and-pepper beard and a pair of translucent, milky-white eyeglasses, and with the tiny outline of a heart inked at the tip of his right cheekbone—was raised in a devoutly Catholic family. His parents encouraged him to settle down with his first wife fresh out of high school, and perhaps unsurprisingly, Lichtenwalner was already divorced by his mid-30s. That was when he met the woman of his dreams. “She’s the polar opposite from my wife. She’s the fun tattoo girl, while my wife was rigid,” said Lichtenwalner. “And then she just crushes me. She breaks up with me out of nowhere. Cheats on me. The whole thing.” The heartbreak brought Lichtenwalner to his knees, and he resolved to try anything to win the “fun tattoo girl” back. So he turned to the internet and sought the advice of so-called get-your-ex-back coaches—YouTubers, authors, and podcasters who have made their careers in the large and mostly uncertified world of breakup rehabilitation. These coaches offer their clients a proprietary set of psychological and rhetorical strategies that, they claim, will cause a former lover to return to the grasp of their dumped partner, restoring the relationship. Lichtenwalner was particularly fond of Coach Corey Wayne, one of the original innovators in the field, whose marquee self-help video, viewed more than 1.6 million times, is titled “7 Principles to Get an Ex Back.” Lichtenwalner followed Wayne’s advice to the letter, and sure enough, “fun tattoo girl” orbited back into his life. Naturally, two months later, the pair had broken up all over again, but Lichtenwalner became obsessed with the process of romance restoration. In 2018, he decided to get into the business himself. “I walked the path of a lot of this stuff, and I realized I could help other people,” said Lichtenwalner, who is now 43, and is remarried. “I got on TikTok, and started putting out all these videos, and I realized that the ones about getting your ex back tend to do well. So I switched up my whole brand to be focused on that.” Today, Lichtenwalner, who goes by “Coachbennydating” on TikTok, has over 280,000 followers. He offers free advice on his page, where he distills general-use relationship axioms into bite-size, social media–friendly clips. In one recent video, Lichtenwalner—recording shirtless from a white-sand beach—outlines the “No. 1 one skill” needed to reattract an ex: The “emotional discipline” to refrain from overindulgences like double texting. But for a more curated experience, Lichtenwalner offers one-on-one coaching sessions, via a 45-minute Zoom call, at $350 a pop, where he promises to craft a more personalized recovery plan for a client’s romantic disaster. If those clients desire even more access to Coach Benny, patrons can shell out $499 for his personal phone number, allowing them to send two “500-character inquiries” about the current status of their breakup per day. This approach has been lucrative. Lichtenwalner claims to be making “multiple six figures” from his coaching. “No more feeling lost,” reads Coach Benny’s website, outlining the texting plan. “Take control of your relationship and navigate any challenges that come your way.” Breakups are a foundational part of life. They happen all the time. A couple might be unable to find equitable ground on a variety of existential questions—parenthood, faith, lifestyle—and call it quits. Or two people can slowly grow distant from each other, without either party being the sole author of the discontent, until they mercifully concede that the love has flickered out. Sometimes, a relationship can detonate in spectacles of pure id—ravenous infidelity, screaming arguments, sobbing in bar bathrooms, 200 texts per hour—eventually leaving both ends of the partnership feeling raw, extreme, and ideally, free. The point here is that relationships often come to an end for a good reason, but coaches like Lichtenwalner believe that with the correct approach, anyone who’s been recently dumped can devise a way to mend even the grisliest wounds. But can anyone truly optimize their way back into the good graces of an ex? Breakups are an amalgam of soft, emotional truths. Can they really be cracked like a math problem with the help of good coaching? Lichtenwalner’s clients, who are all invariably stinging from the hallucinatory pain of a life-defining heartache, would certainly like to believe so. “It’s at that price because that’s what people pay,” said Lichten