“I’m supposed to meet Laura on Friday, I really hope she cancels”, “I’m not hanging out midweek, are you mad?” “Oh thank God, the girls’ trip is cancelled”. I’ve heard versions of this throughout my 20s, as others in the group eagerly nod and smile. I’ve always felt a bit awkward in these situations. I just can’t agree.
I absolutely live for nice plans, and for seeing people that I like. Hanging out with my friends is life-affirming. You want to hang out with me? You like my company? How delightful! I completely understand that in our busy lives, we’re pretty drained and tired, but I don’t think hanging out with people needs to be an extravagant action. I love a cosy evening in with friends as much as a glam night out. I love the people I chose to have in my life, so why would I not want to see them? So as the trend of bailing and celebrating cancellations seemingly continues to rise, I’m left scratching my head.
There are thousands of viral tweets along the lines of, “I’m so glad it’s Friday tomorrow so I can finally cancel all my weekend plans to stay home and do nothing”. Then there’s the other popular slant along the lines of, “I’m starting a club for people who hate people but love dogs”. You’ll find TikToks with the caption ‘when they cancel plans last minute’ and a woman with a face mask on (not the kind we became accustomed to during the pandemic) in her PJs climbing into bed, looking absolutely delighted.
When did it become so cool to have such a disdain for hanging out with others?
Claire Cogan is a behavioural scientist and founder of BehaviourWise. She says that much of this way of thinking comes down to control.
“We know both human connection and a sense of control are important for our mental wellbeing. Cancelling plans is a way of saying ‘I’m in control’. Unfortunately, it can also mean a lost opportunity to connect in-person, which is also important.”
She adds that, unsurprisingly, the pandemic played a huge part in this. “Although there was evidence of this behaviour before, it has increased since. We became used to seeing less of each other in person.”
Cogan points out that other factors around that time also contributed.
“Once the pandemic was behind us, we had to deal with the rising cost of living, including the rising cost of socialising. This also had an impact. By 2023, approximately half of us were reporting that we socialise less since the pandemic, particularly millennials.”
Financial anxiety is playing a big part in people’s desire to simply stay at home too — if the cost of alcohol, a meal out, and a taxi home has all increased, is it any wonder so many of us might choose to stay home instead?
A recent PTSB Reflecting Ireland survey found that 62% of people said they’re cutting back on going to restaurants, while 56% said they were cutting back on going to pubs. Of course, the cost-of-living crisis and the housing crisis are inextricably linked. People are going out less to save more, many of whom are trying to buy a house. This likely means that people are living at home, or with multiple roommates, meaning that their socialising at home is limited too.
So if people can’t afford to go out, but they don’t have the space or freedom to hang out at home, socialising seems to migrate to a third space: the internet. We spend time socialising with friends online, chatting on WhatsApp, exchanging funny memes, and keeping informed on our friends’ lives without even speaking to them, via Instagram posts. This, coupled with the fact that so much of our working lives are now happening on Zoom and Slack, means that almost all aspects of our lives, both personal and professional, have shifted predominately to the online space. This is something Cogan has seen in her research.
“Technology gives us a sense of control — it puts a certain distance between ourselves and others. It is easier to make plans, but also easier to cancel them. We hear of people booking several restaurants and then cancelling several at the last minute, without ever needing to speak to anyone to do so.”
The pre-phone and social media days where the cast of Friends would regularly meet in Central Perk seem like a world away today.
Emma McCarthy and Sarah Van Horn are cultural analysts at Bricolage, they point out that people find it easier to interact online.
“Human relationships are inherently messy and they contain friction,” says McCarthy. “With tech as a mediator, there is somewhat of a sense of artificial connection where the friction is removed. More and more there is a sense that people are uncomfortable with the messiness of real-life interaction, especially with those ‘weaker tie’ friendships.”
Van Horn adds: “We can also look at the rise of the Introvert Economy which sees the proliferation of options for in-home entertainment and ‘cosy culture’. We have seen the rise of therapy speak — boundaries and self-care are concepts we have all become familiar with. Whilst this has positives and can be empowering, in our ‘always on’ culture, it risks framing opting out as selfcare.”
So while boundaries and putting ourselves first is important, can it be harmful? Does being ‘anti-social’ have to be a bad thing, if you’re more naturally introverted? Counselling psychologist Patricia Barber (@drpatriciabarber) weighs in.
“I think it’s important to consider what is helpful for your wellbeing. If spending time with someone or a particular activity doesn’t feel like something you want to do then you should of course say no. However, if you find yourself feeling this way with everyone and every activity then it’s worth exploring why that might be.”
She adds that the reluctance to socialise is more than simply being introverted.
“Personalities certainly influence how social we are but I think the trend we are seeing now in terms of plans being cancelled and backed out of last minute goes beyond personalities. We might know someone who has a small social battery and we can be understanding of this. Those with good self-awareness tend not to make too many plans so they avoid having to cancel them last minute.”
Dr Barber stresses that at least some human connection is important. “Across the week we should be looking and making sure that we have in-person social contact, this could be at work, through sports, or just socialising but it is important to have the face to face connection with others.”
While research and experts point out that all generations are socialising less, Dr Barber says some millennials and Gen Z are even struggling mentally with the idea of seeing friends.
“There is a lot of anxiety in younger generations about socialising and pressure to look a certain way and to be having a good time. Sometimes there can be confusion between excitement and anxiety. Often I see people who describe feeling anxious before they socialise and when we delve deeper they actually feel excited but they have misunderstood the signals.
There is less fear of losing a friendship through not socialising in person, because we can still have an online connection with others.
We know that people are struggling with loneliness; in fact, in 2023, a survey from the Institute of Public Health found that Ireland was the loneliest country in Europe. So while many may joke about cancelling plans, there is a yearning for human connection, even if it’s masked by anxiety.
Dr Barber recommends taking three steps to try to improve these behaviours. “Question if the activities are things you enjoy and are the friends people you want to see — if so, consider if you are cancelling because you are anxious and might benefit from seeking support for this.
“Notice how you feel after you spend time with friends. This should inform your next steps. If you notice you enjoy all the activities afterwards, try to keep a note of this so that the next time you try to talk yourself out of a plan you have all the evidence about why you should go.”
The final piece of advice is to not overload yourself: “Consider if you are making too many plans. Try to avoid saying yes to everything and then feeling overwhelmed trying to follow through on everything.”
While not everyone has to be as enthusiastic as me when it comes to seeing friends and having plans, it’s important to hold on to real-life human connection, something you can’t get from just scrolling through Instagram.
